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South | North

I gave up today, after a day spent cooking and preparing.  There were only two or three hours I wasn't cooking or cleaning up something.  Supper of fast food and the declaration that I would not finish the last of the presents in time for Christmas.  Mike took the children out to see lights and I am alone and feeling much more calm.  There are twelve days to do more, hours spent sitting in a car driving to and from Atlanta.  It will work out.  I'm done.

I've worked really hard this year at making Advent special, not really by any grand efforts, just an even infusion of festivity.  The Advent spiral was our biggest project and it only took about half an hour to put together.  I think my celebrating hinges largely on tea lights and tapers.  So much magic and reverence comes from candles.  There has been lots of music and just being in wonder and reflection, as Christmas is largely a private season for me.  We've read lots of stories and the Enki stories have meshed wonderfully with the seasonal transitions.

Tiny NativityPeople have said to me, numerous times, that there is a sort of warmth that comes from our home.  I have felt a little uneasy about the kind words, but they keep coming, from people who visit us and those who see our pictures.  I am learning how to take compliments, to really feel that the words just might be true.  I am not good at all things, but I am good at home.  All my energy goes into this place and these people.  There has been a strong drive to really work at Advent this year, to really form traditions that will carry us through the decades ahead.

There has been so much hard stuff, so much.  I shared some of it with a dear friend yesterday, and she admitted to being completely unaware and wished she could have been more sensitive.  I told her I just didn't know where to begin with it all, and sharing seemed insurmountable so I kept it to myself.  I have felt so much pain and confusion and fear this year, more than any other year in my life.  It's still here, even now.  I have clung to home as the one stable place, always there, despite the outside world.  Our children have, for the most part, kept on an even keel.  Much better than me.

I need Christmas this year.  I really do.  While the energy mounts, I am thankful for the days after the extravagant beginning to really soak it in and find renewal.  And, oh, the austerity of January!

Comments

( 2 trees — Plant a Forest )
elberethmyrrh
Dec. 24th, 2014 09:48 pm (UTC)
Wishing you and your family a warm and wonderful Christmas, Brandy. May it give you the joy and refreshment you need after a very difficult year. :hugs:
impossibleway
Dec. 26th, 2014 08:51 pm (UTC)
Thank you! I wish the same for you. :-)
( 2 trees — Plant a Forest )

A Blessed Wilderness

It was just like being in heaven, being in there. In those days there was no road. The park was all a blessed wilderness. I have often thought what a wonderful people we would have been if we had wanted to keep it that way.

~Adolph Murie, biologist, on Denali


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© impossibleway

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