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South | North

Here Before

Once I had a child,Star Shadow
He was wilder than moonlight.
He could do it all,
Like he'd been here before.

Once I had a child,
She was smiling like sunshine.
She could see it all,
Like she'd been here before.

Then I had a child.
Took his while like northern summer
And he knows it all
Like he's been here before.

~Vashti Bunyan

Wednesday afternoon, Roan and Laurel both took naps and there was space for Willow and me to attend to some things.  I needed a break, a truly quiet afternoon to read and sort through things, both in my mind and my home.  I cannot deny that Roan has been in a difficult period for awhile now.  It has me thinking and wondering what I can do, if anything, to help him through it.

I was also thinking about Enid and how she looked when we were there a week ago.  She was hospitalized over the weekend and is expected home before the next one.  I can feel the end of her life is getting very near.  I knew that Don was leaving for a year or so before he did.  They had sold their lake house and tied up loose ends.  He took care of the details, and so maybe he knew, too.  Enid is more withdrawn and less involved when we visit.  Babies still call to her and she is happy to see them.  Grandad was like that two years ago.  We went to see him when Laurel was a week old, I think, and he was happy for the first time in weeks.  The next week, he was gone.  It is a strange thing to watch someone die of old age or a long illness, they just fade out, but death is a threshold we must all cross.

Those were the thoughts I was having while Willow practiced numbers and I set to cutting out a skirt for myself.  I'm using Enid's fabric and I can't help but wonder what she had in mind when she bought it.  Around a 150 patterns in her and Don's sizes have come to live with me, most of them unused.  Maybe she had high aims or a compulsive shopping habit?  All the stuff in her house gets filtered through and very little of it does she need anymore.  I don't know if she reads like she used to--she was voracious, as I can see in the notes in various books that I help get to the thrift store.  I guess that is the way of it, to draw closer to the end and need less and less as our spirit works to free itself.

I was captivated by the above song, featured in this little video of some children at a Lifeways center.  After a long depression, I am trying to come back to the spiritual journey of motherhood with a clearer vision of my children as they are now.  This song, along with a new old book, More Lifeways, and some time in thought (mostly in the middle of the night) is helping.  When I envisioned working to live more in the present this year, I thought it would mean that I would drop what I was doing more often.  It hasn't exactly been that way.  I think, instead, it has meant noticing more, seeing more of the snapshots of who we are right now.


( 2 trees — Plant a Forest )
Nov. 20th, 2015 05:21 am (UTC)
I'm sorry to hear about Enid.
Nov. 20th, 2015 10:19 am (UTC)
I can see pictures of the woman she used to be in the things she owned--it is hard.
( 2 trees — Plant a Forest )

A Blessed Wilderness

It was just like being in heaven, being in there. In those days there was no road. The park was all a blessed wilderness. I have often thought what a wonderful people we would have been if we had wanted to keep it that way.

~Adolph Murie, biologist, on Denali


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